Elder abuse isn’t always as it seems.
It’s not always obvious. It’s not always malicious. Sometimes, it stems from stress, miscommunication, or good people who simply see things differently.
June 15 marked Elder Abuse Awareness Day. This is an opportunity to highlight some oft-overlooked issues related to aging parents and reflect on how we can better support and protect our older adults.
What Elder Abuse Can Look Like
Elder abuse can take many forms — and it often goes unnoticed, even in well-meaning families. It might look like:
- Neglect
- Subtle or undue pressure
- Emotional manipulation
- Financial exploitation
Thankfully, overt elder abuse is rare in our community. Still, as our beloved parents age and become more dependent on others — especially their children — complex family dynamics can emerge.
When Aging Changes Family Dynamics
As parents grow older, it’s not unusual for them to move into a child’s home — sometimes into a newly-built “in-law suite” or addition. While these arrangements can be nurturing and supportive, they also raise sensitive questions that deserve open discussion:
- Should caregiving responsibilities be shared equally?
- If one child provides most of the care, should they have access to the parents’ funds?
- Is it fair for that child to receive a larger inheritance?
- Who owns the “in-law suite” after the parents pass away?
These aren’t just logistical or financial matters. They’re deeply personal questions that touch on themes of fairness, gratitude, and the weight of responsibility we feel as adult children.
When Good Intentions Clash
Most children want the best for their parents. But even among well-meaning siblings, differing perspectives and expectations can cause resentment. A caregiver might feel entitled to more, while a sibling may feel excluded or judged. Often, aging parents are no longer in a position to mediate or express what they truly want, making these conflicts even more painful — both for the siblings and the parents.
That’s why it’s so important to address these questions directly — before they silently shape everyone’s expectations in conflicting ways. When left unspoken, they can lead to tension, resentment, and even unintentional pressure on the parents themselves. Over time, this becomes the root of subtle, tragic, and entirely preventable elder abuse.
So What Now?
To navigate these sensitive issues with clarity and compassion, every family can take two powerful, proactive steps:
- Have open, honest conversations early — about caregiving roles, finances, expectations, and boundaries, before emotions run high. These conversations may be uncomfortable, but they are essential and can transform the whole family dynamic.
- Agree on a neutral, deeply trusted person to help resolve conflict if it arises — this could be a rav, mentor, or wise family friend. Agreeing in advance to respect that person’s guidance can be the difference between painful division and enduring family connection.
These simple acts of mutual respect and unity can prevent the resentments and built-up pressures that often lead to elder abuse — protecting our parents and preserving the strength and harmony of the families they worked so hard to nurture.
Need Help Navigating These Difficult Conversations?
Heirloom is here to support you and your family through the legal and emotional complexities that aging can bring. Feel free to reach out any time for guidance.